El scripto

[andyblaa]

Howdy,

Just found a script on my computer that I wrote a while ago. I'm quite keen to make something soon so I might shoot it in the next few weeks. I'd be very interested to hear what everyone thinks. I'd also be interested to hear interpretations on what has actually happened in the story.

I've used some camera directions, 'Cut to's and 'We see's in the script which I don't normally do so ignore these if you have a problem with them.

Thanks in advance for you comments.

Andy

</font><ul type="square">[*]<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">BLACK

Heavy breathing.

Something moves back and forth in the frame. The camera moves groggily. In the dark the focus shifts in and out, barely perceptible.
The sound of something moving.

The words appear on screen as they are said.

VOICE
(A low growl)
Please, please just fucking ruin her.

As the camera slowly comes to a stop we realize we have been tracking over someone on the ground. A bloodshot eye crashes into focus.

EXT. STREET ? NIGHT

On grainy DV, streets lights blur into the night sky.

In POV we stagger around what looks like a car park.

A man in silhouette staggers resolutely. In profile, streetlights flare behind his head.
Feet shuffle.

MUSIC: Two notes drone on and on.

CUT TO:

A PHOTO

A pretty blonde girl in a bright, sunny garden. Withered fingers grip the picture tightly.

CUT TO:

KEYS TURN IN AN IGNITION

A WHEEL ROLLS AWAY SLOWLY

CUT TO;

DIRTY URBAN STREETS FLASH PAST

CUT TO:

TWO MOUTHS COME TOGETHER.

They kiss passionately.

FEMALE VOICE
(Eastern European)
You make me love you.

In candlelight, a female, manicured hand slips down someone?s trousers.

CUT TO:

CAR WHEEL

The car goes faster and faster.

MUSIC: The droning follows suit, increasing in tempo and volume.

CUT TO:

THE SAME MANICURED HANDS

They open a finely crafted leather wallet. A wad of ?20 notes is removed.

INT. HOTEL ROOM ? EARLY MORNING

From a 45? angle, a tall blonde woman in a red dress quietly disappears out the door.
She shuts it gently behind her.

CUT TO:

SPEEDOMETER

Doing 90mph.

The car brakes hard. A child?s soft toy flies off the back seat and against the windscreen.

There is a bump as the car hits something.

Someone.

MUSIC: The droning notes merge and become a car horn

CUT TO:

BLOODSHOT EYE.

Track out to reveal the beautiful Eastern European girl lying dead on the roadside.

TITLES: RUIN HER

TO BLACK</font>[/list]<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">

[Patriarch]

Alright - first I see you are from Finchley - I have a mate there, and was actually there last summer - funny.

Regarding the script. I think it could work quite nicely, the two-note music giving it a very eerie feeling. I would suggest you use French Horns, as they could crossfade into car horns quite convincingly.

I must admit howevever that I'm not quite sure what is going on in the script. But maybe things are clearer when seen. All I can make out is that some prostitute makes out with some guy, and is later hit by a car. The motive for ruining her isent quite clear to me.

I think this could be a good 1min movie for that NY-Contest in case you hadent thought of that.

[twister!]

The prostitute is hit by the car because she has stolen the guy's money.

I liked it.

PS If you wanted to flesh it out and make it a bit deeper you could maybe consider giving a little of the woman's back story. It might make us care a bit more about her if we new why she was doing what she is doing... just a thought.

PPS Maybe the red dress is a bit of a clich? - it's fairly clear that she's a prostitute from the actions.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ September 23, 2005 08:38 AM: Message edited by: Justin M. ]</font>

[emjen]

Originally posted by Justin M.:


PS If you wanted to flesh it out and make it a bit deeper you could maybe consider giving a little of the woman's back story. It might make us care a bit more about her if we new why she was doing what she is doing... just a thought.

PPS Maybe the red dress is a bit of a clich? - it's fairly clear that she's a prostitute from the actions.

<font color="#a62a2a"><font size="1">[ September 23, 2005 08:38 AM: Message edited by: Justin M. ]</font></font>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I disagree with Justin here, you don't need backstory to 'deepen' it. You might even call that clich?. And in my eyes the red dress, together with the red manicured fingernails, was the only real color apparent in this short (everything came across grainy and almost black and white in my head), so even though it might be clich? it might also have a meaningful function - tis wut you wanna do wit it.

I think the short can be pretty good.

only thing is, I think the motivations aren't working out. He wants the girl dead because she stole (a thousand?) pounds? Some men who go to hookers might be 'unusual' but wanting to totally ruin/kill a girl over a 20 pound bills or even a stolen wallet seems a bit exaggerated. So in this case, the backstory Justin was talking about is probably a good idea to sort out for yourself - for the man and the woman in the script. You don't have to show it to us though.

So to conclude - i like the structure and the atmoshpere, but sort out the characters motivations.

<font color="#a62a2a"><font size="1">[ September 24, 2005 04:38 AM: Message edited by: emjen ]</font></font>

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ September 24, 2005 04:39 AM: Message edited by: emjen ]</font>

[Patriarch]

but if he is killing her - then why honk the horn? hmmmmm.... a mystery [img]biggrin.gif[/img]

[twister!]

To flesh out my fleshing it out comment. As it is, based on that script, you could have (depending on the aesthetics you employ) a very good and very stylish short - would probably be great for your showreel - which may be exactly what you want.

If you wanted more - and wanted a film that would be more engaging to an audience I think it would be a good idea to explore the hows, whys, whats, whens and where themes of the characters and the situation... IMO.

[andyblaa]

Howdy,

Thanks for the comments. To be honest I don't have a clue what I was originally thinking story-wise.

I think (!) what is happening is an older rich gentlemen, the guy on the floor at the start has been hit over the head and robbed by this prostitute he thought he loved, and she loved him.

I think the idea was that he sends one of his henchmen to track down the girl and kill her. This doesn't make sense with the guy staggering around outside at the start though. So instead what seems to make sense is that the old guy is saying 'Ruin her' to himself and it is he that drags himself up off the ground, gets into his car and tracks her down. It is the stuffed toy of his daughter/son that gets thrown from the backseat before he drives into the girl, and oblivion.

And he didn't beep the horn, it is the sound of him slumped over the steering wheel after the crash.

Just about makes sense!

Justin: I agree that it certainly could be fleshed out. And if I were to do that, it would be to flesh out the character of the older man. Perhaps he is a politician or well-known local figure. I may put something very minor in there to illustrate this. The only backstory in there at the moment is the stuffed toy, however subtle.

And the showreel thing is exactly right. I wanted to try and shoot something very slick and polished instead of the usual indie/naturalistic stuff I have done/will do in the future.

Christian: The droning two notes are a bit of a rip-off from Irreversible if I remember correctly. They are used to be very unsettling and disorientating to the viewer. I will probably still use this device but differentiate it somehow from the way they use it in Irreversible.

Anyhoo, thanks again for the comments.

I might post another half-finished script/treatment up for discussion shortly.

Thanks,
Andy